Saturday, June 28, 2014


Not going to art school is either going to be the best or worst decision of my life.

Junior year, after a series of terrible meets, when it seemed that track had run its course (no pun intended), art school was seriously considered. Pratt was seriously considered.

I like art school people, they're so passionately talented. They unapologetically believe in themselves.

Art is really the only thing I'm naturally good at. I never had to be taught. I didn't have to study for hours and hours or go to extra practices for it.

Senior year I kind of gave up on art. I mean I still got an A+ in my AP Studio Art class but I didn't try or put in as much effort as I could have or as I did last year. I just knew there was no point, art school wasn't in the cards anymore.

Isn't in the cards anymore.

It would've been fun to live in Brooklyn and go to Pratt and be a New Yorker and dye my hair purple and be a full time college student and not have 7am practice everyday or be sore or tired all the time and be surrounded by creative like minded people.

But it also probably wouldn't be too fun if I couldn't get a job and pay off all the student loans I would have to acquire to pay for art school.

Neither my pride nor my anxiety have the stamina for me to be unsuccessful.

So I guess there's a give and take to all this.

Monday, June 16, 2014

"What kind of society do we want to be..."

My College Degree

I'm afraid that it won't be worth it. That everything is about to change, that the way people think and measure success and intelligence is going to change. And I support this fully. It's necessary and long overdue. But then, where do I stand? It's too late, I've already bought into this system. Yet I feel like it means less than it did or should. My university is seen now more for it's cost than for the degree that I will receive. So is it better to be smart enough to get in or dumb enough to pay $60,000 a year? Or does it meet in the middle somewhere between having no degree at all... 

Why do I feel like a sell-out to my generation for going to college. For buying into the scam. We know we're getting swindled everybody knows but everybody keeps doing it. They fuss and moan then grit their teeth and write the checks. I have a summer job, a blue collar, no degree necessary job that the degree I'm going to college to get is supposed to keep me from permanently having. But there has to be people out there, people smarter than me, who are smart enough to know better than to go to college but dumb enough to not know what to do instead. 

And that's the impasse everyone seems to be at. What do you do instead. We all wanna leave, wanna branch out, but go where and do what with who's money? Yes there are the 1 in a million successes that become millionaires without college degrees because they were either too smart or too poor for it, but then there are the other 999,999 occupying homeless shelters. I don't like those odds. 

An in between is going to form and I'm going to be on the other side of it. Close enough to be pissed I missed the cut off, but far enough to envy it. A middle will exist sometime soon where a college degree won't be necessary to be employed and have a good job. And I'm gonna be close, so very close, but I'm just gonna miss it. And because of that I'll have no choice but to undervalue these up and coming mavericks in order to get my money's worth out of the degree it's going to cost a small fortune for me to get. 

The worst is when you see it coming. Because you don't want to stop it but it's not coming fast enough for you to join in. 

And that kinda sucks.