Wednesday, May 14, 2014

1:05am Thoughts

If we only get so many seconds, so many minutes in this life, who are you to tell me how I must dictate them? What ownership does anyone besides myself have over my time? Is that really so much to ask? For your own time...
Your own thoughts .. Your own brain and opinions...
I wish it could be like when we were kids. When it all didn't mean so much.
When we didn't feel so much.
But you can't unlearn. Unthink.
I wish I could remember what is was like to not wish you could remember. When realitity sufficed.
When ignorance wasn't ignorance because we didn't even know what that meant. When time was just time. It wasn't fleeting or standing still it just was. It seeped through the grass with the sunlight unnoticed by us as we tried to outrun the sidewalk.
It was enough for just us then. We kept it all to ourselves, not needing the gradification of others to solidify our moment in time.
My pre-social media brain.
When upon seeing an egg yolk sun drip into the horizon my first thought wasn't what filter I'll use on instagram.
What must it have been like to live as you grew up instead of observe it?
It's new now so it's overly popular. But like bell bottoms and boy bands it will eventually dissipate. Hopefully. Or else become less consuming. Kids will have grown up with it, it won't have the brain dead effect it tends to have on my age and above. They'll learn to live with it. But they might never live without it.
I have unrecorded, untexted, untweeted, unposted pieces of time unknown outside of my own brain.
Will those younger than me ever have that? Will they ever want it...
What has never been aquired cannot be missed once already stolen. That is if theft is still capable if both criminal and victim share a body.
A benevolent detachment with anything that doesn't have a heartbeat is recommended. Just to simplify life.
Always either drowning or dehyrdrating. Freezing while burning.
So infinitely illogical it's tantalizing.
How can the danger of right now over mask the eternity of forever?
Would it be too easy to accept we're all human and honor one another's journeys as we see where this is all going?
Sometimes the pressure of trying overhelms the reward. It happens.
What is to be done when love isn't enough? When you've given up so much of yourself that your bones are hollow.
When acceptance of defeat means you love yourself more than you love them.
And accepting that acceptance. Being okay with it.
Sometimes sacrifice can be insufficient.
I'm rambling... It happens.
If I could grow wings and fly away I would. Go above the sun and over the rainbow to somewhere else entirely. Just for the thrill of it. Risk the fall for the flight.
I'd rejoin gravity changed and no one would know.
How do you know your red is my red? What if your red is my blue? Or Purple? Or green?
My magenta sky could be your tangerine dream. Who knows, I can't look through your mind and see your world.
I can't truly look myself in the eye. See if my exterior matches the image I've created for myself because who trusts mirrors anyway. Maybe there's  meaning in that. Never truly seeing how others see you.
Life lessons disguised as mundane.
As the earth turns and rotates the moon that rotates the sun that rotates the galaxy as we dance on beyond the stars.
We go onward. Together.
Sharing warmth and light if we're blessed enough to have some to spare.
Basking in existence and curiously excited for whatever comes next, the infinite possibilities ahead.

- Elizabeth Montague

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